The new year is underway. In fact, we’re almost a whole month into 2019. A new semester, a new quarter, new year’s resolutions. The gym is crowded with people making good on new fitness goals. Maybe you’ve turned over a new leaf. Decided to make a change or take on something new. It seems like a perfect time to make a fresh start. 365 days filled with possibilities.
Even though we’ve entered a new year, we still carry some of our old stuff with us. Baggage – both good and bad – comes with us. It’s simply of a part of who we are as humans.
Grief is like that. Whether it’s fresh grief from a recent loss or a sense of sadness that lingers, grief is still there. Sometimes it’s a sweet memory that washes over us. And then there are times where it punches you in the gut just to remind you that you’re still hurting.
Photo by Helen Bauer, The Heart of Hospice
I had a grief moment like that recently. While putting up my Christmas decorations, I came across a small felt stocking that my grandmother made for me when when I was a little girl. It hung on her tree from 1965 until she died in 2001. Just holding it brought back lovely memories of all my cousins gathered in my grandmother’s house. And tears.
Seriously, after all this time? I still think of her often, of course. I grew up in her house and she was a huge influence on my life, but it’s been 18 years now. Time to get over it? No way. Those memories are precious to me. They connect me with her.
Why am I talking about grief at the start of a new year, when we’re all talking about remaking ourselves and starting over? Because it’s there.
Recently I was in a hair salon, chatting with my hair dresser and her coworker, Vivian. Vivian was cutting the hair of an elderly gentleman who was an old friend. The man told Vivian he had a gift for her, and his companion carried in a guitar case. The case was protecting a gently worn acoustic guitar with a hand-made leather strap that spelled out the name of the artist. The guitar was one of five that had belonged to Vivian’s father, who had died 32 years ago. Her dad was a talented musician well known in southeast Texas. The old man worked to repair guitars in his younger days, and Vivian’s father had been his best friend. At the time of Vivian’s dad’s death, his friend had been working on the guitar. The man had held onto the instrument as a way of staying connected to a beloved friend. After all these years, he wanted Vivian to have it.
Photo by Helen Bauer, The Heart of Hospice
Vivian hadn’t known where that guitar was for over 30 years. Her dad has been gone for a long time. Her tears flowed freely. I have to admit mine did, too. Grief doesn’t have to be from a recent loss. It doesn’t have to be fresh. It doesn’t even have to be yours.
Grief has a way of renewing itself without you even realizing it’s happening.
So if you find that grief is sneaking up on you, don’t be surprised. It’s normal to feel that way. Our brains are wired to respond to those images, smells, and sounds that bring the memories back. Recalling those memories can be precious and healing. If it doesn’t feel healthy, or you feel overwhelmed, find someone to talk to. Sit down with a friend or counselor to share those grief emotions. Maybe check out a grief support group sponsored by one of your local hospice agencies.
It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since your loss occurred. The grief is what you say it is.
Even after all this time.
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